What If You Were Confident?

As the poor girl from the wrong side of town, with parents who didn't quite fit the acceptable "norm", I was bullied...a lot. If not bullied, then ignored. It also didn't help that I was a nerd before nerds were cool. So needless to say, my self-confidence was not great.

Even after leaving home and excelling in my Navy career, I still suffered from a lack of confidence. And it impacted my day-to-day life. I missed out on lots of things because I was afraid to try. I didn't want to look silly in front of others if I failed.

I would often remark about the things I would do if I were more confident. I would say, “If I were more confident, I’d take up salsa dancing. If I felt good about myself, I’d wear shorts during the summer. If I were more athletic, I’d learn to water ski.”

One day as I was thinking about all of the things I wasn’t, it hit me. “What if you were?” I thought. “What if you are confident? What if you do feel good about yourself? What if you are already smart?”

“Maybe, what’s holding you back isn’t what you are, only what you think you aren’t.”

Why Is It Hard to Change?

Often we let a lack of self-confidence hold us back from pursuing our goals, building authentic relationships, and loving ourselves unconditionally. But what if you flipped the script? What if you stopped waiting for confidence and instead embraced it as yours?

It’s easy to create self-limiting beliefs. Most people do it every day without realizing it. These are the stories you tell yourself about why you’re settling for less than what you want. Some of the stories might sound good or even noble. But it doesn’t change the fact they’re not true.

What Story Are You Telling Yourself?

The key to becoming more confident is to ask yourself what story you’re telling. Is it really true you can’t be a sexy woman if you have three kids and a mortgage? Is it true to say it’s too late to get your GED and go to college?

If you were honest with yourself, you’d admit that these stories aren’t the problem. They’re masking a deeper issue like fear, loneliness, or rejection. Confronting the heart of the matter will make it easier for you to walk in newfound confidence.

What If You Just Went for It?

Sometimes, the best way to overcome fear and increase your confidence is to do something bold. Do it before you feel confident. Do it before you feel spontaneous. Do it before you feel like you’re ready.

When you challenge yourself to do things before you feel prepared, you experience new adventures. You grow in exciting ways. You discover parts of your personality that you didn’t know you had.

Why Not Make a List?

Create a list of things you always tell yourself you’ll do when you’re “ready”. For example, you keep saying you’ll go on a cruise as soon as you lose the last twenty pounds. Except you’ve been “losing” those pounds for three years now.

Each New Year’s, you promise yourself you’ll go back to school so you can get out of the job you hate and start doing work that matters to you. But you haven’t made the time to fill out the local college’s placement test.

Take Action

Once you have your list, don’t file it away! Pick one thing on it and take action right now. Call a travel agent and get information on upcoming cruises. Talk to your college about scheduling an appointment for the placement testing.

Stop waiting for confidence and embrace the now. Be your beautiful, bold, confident self!

P.S.  Want to know where I learned the skills that helped me become confident in my business?  Check this out.

5 Smart Self-Esteem Builders

It’s easy to talk about rebuilding your self-esteem. But it’s hard to know where to start. There are so many suggestions and ideas out there already. What’s the first thing you should do? How about trying one of these exercises…

Argue with Your Inner Critic

The mean girl in your head is hard to live with. Instead of accepting everything she says as truth, start jotting down what she tells you. Spend a few days collecting these notes and it won’t be long before you have a few.

When you’re in a good head space, pull out these thoughts. Then write what’s really true beneath them. For example, the inner critic might say: “You’re so stupid!” You could write something like: “I taught myself how to install a new floor from YouTube tutorials!”

If you have trouble with this exercise, ask a friend who’s supportive to join you. She may have more insights that will help you see yourself clearly.

Stop Comparing Yourself

Comparison steals your joy and your confidence. It’s not healthy to continually compare yourself to your friends, celebrities in the media, or even your past performance. You are enough right now. Remind yourself of this truth whenever you get caught up in the comparison trap.

Limit Your Time

Think about each person in your life. When you’ve finished a conversation on the phone or left a get-together with them, ponder how you feel afterwards.

Are you encouraged and energized? Are you pumped up and ready to face a new challenge? Or do you feel hopeless and blah? Are you questioning your life choices? Or doubting that you can improve your family/home/career/etc?

It’s not our friends’ jobs to make us feel upbeat all the time. But if you notice you always feel worse after talking to a particular family member or friend, try to limit your time together. You’ll be happier for it and your self-esteem will grow, too.

Make Time for What You Love

One of the best ways to improve your self-image is to do more of what makes you happy. Make a list of activities that feed your soul and make it a priority to do one thing from this list each day.

Tackle a New Challenge

Although it can be difficult, tackling a new challenge is a wonderful way to boost your self-esteem. You don’t have to dare yourself to climb Mt. Everest tomorrow but what if you tried the local rock-climbing wall?

You don’t have to learn how to code a website from scratch but what if you tried posting to Blogger? Creating a series of small challenges and getting them done can inspire you and be a reminder of just how awesome you are.

Building your self-esteem is a process. You won’t get it done in an hour or even in a day. That’s because you’re re-writing how you view yourself. There will be ups and downs on your journey toward better self-esteem but don’t give up. You can do this and you’ll be happier for it!

Reclaiming Self-Esteem After Trauma and Loss

Trauma and loss can have a profound effect on your self-esteem. Trauma can transform even the most vibrant, out-going person into a shell of her former self. If you’ve been through trauma, you might experience symptoms and signs like:

·         Being easily startled

·         Worrying about losing someone you love

·         Finding it difficult to trust others

·         Experiencing depression or anxiety

·         Developing nightmares or insomnia

·         Feeling unsafe even when you’re in familiar places

These symptoms can affect your self-esteem, causing you to view yourself as “weak”, “scared”, or “powerless”. But you don’t have to suffer…there are ways to recover from your trauma that can help you strengthen your self-esteem.

Find Compassionate Witnesses

A compassionate witness is someone who can sit with you through the difficulty of trauma and listen to your emotions. This might be a professional like a licensed counselor or therapist. But it could also be a good friend who’s familiar with trauma or a loving partner who’s willing to wade into your deep emotions.

The important thing when looking for someone to walk with you is to choose a person that you feel comfortable around. If you don’t feel safe, you’ll have trouble opening up and talking about what you went through.

Focus on What You Did Right

Many trauma and loss survivors become fixated on what they should have done. For example, a woman who became paralyzed in a car accident may believe that she should have left earlier in the day or chosen a different route. But this approach keeps you rooted in the trauma, forcing you to relive it.

Instead, look at what you did right—you survived. Maybe that doesn’t feel like a huge victory today. Instead, it feels like a cosmic mistake. That’s guilt talking and it’s perfectly normal to experience this emotion after any type of loss. But just because that’s how you feel doesn’t mean it’s true. You’re still here and you did the best you could in the middle of a horrible situation.

Forgive Yourself

Blaming yourself is an understandable reaction after trauma. For example, if you were assaulted while you were jogging one evening, you may blame yourself for being out alone or not having a way to defend yourself.

But that’s the thing about trauma—there’s no way to predict it. No one plans to be assaulted, have their home burn to the ground, or live through a natural disaster. These are terrible circumstances that can happen to anyone…regardless of what they do or don’t do.

Of course, it’s important to understand that forgiving yourself is seldom a one-time act. As you work through and process your trauma, you’ll most likely need to free yourself from blame again and again.

Find Healthy Outlets

Few things are harder (or more brave!) than coming to terms with trauma and loss. But it’s also exhausting and overwhelming work. That’s why it’s important that you have healthy outlets to express your feelings.

Often, art is a wonderful way to process your journey. You could try: drawing, painting, embroidery, journaling, pottery, writing fiction, calligraphy, knitting, cross-stitch, crocheting, sculpting, or rubber stamping.

Rebuilding your self-esteem after trauma and loss is difficult. You’ll take one step forward and feel like you took three steps backwards the next day. This is normal and part of your progress. Don’t give up on your journey to recovery. You’re still worth fighting for!

Defining Low Self-Esteem

So why am I preparing to do an entire series of posts on self-esteem?  Isn't this a business blog?  Yes, it is.  Which is EXACTLY why I'm doing this series!

Low self-esteem can cause you to self-sabotage your business, even if you aren't consciously aware that you are doing it.

But what is low self-esteem?  I mean don't we all beat ourselves up once in a while?  Well, self-esteem is the way you view yourself.  People with a healthy self-esteem can see both their flaws and their good qualities.  They know they are not perfect but they’re also aware of all the good things they bring into the world simply by being themselves.

But low self-esteem is different.  People with low self-esteem see a flawed version of themselves.  Instead of seeing anything positive, you only focus on the negative and feel badly about who you are.  If you’re not sure if you struggle with low self-esteem, here are a few common signs of it…

Sign #1: You Feel Shame

Shame is the belief that deep down, you’re bad, unlovable, or worthless.  It often convinces you to hide.  The way you “hide” may be different depending on your personality. Sometimes, it involves your body language by hunching your shoulders, walking with your head down, or not meeting the gaze of another person when you’re in conversation.

For some people, shame shows up in other ways—overcompensating in one area of your life, trying not to draw attention to how you look, or over-apologizing for things that clearly aren’t your fault.

Sign #2: You Fear Failure

When you struggle with low self-esteem, it’s easy to believe that what you do is who you are.  This creates tremendous pressure to do everything right.  As a result, you’re not willing to try new things or experiment for fear you’ll mess up and become a failure.

Fear of failure may show up in one area of your life but not another.  For example, you may be the best sales person in your division at work but in private, you struggle to write that book you’ve been dreaming of for fear that it won’t be amazing.

Sign #3: You Keep Saying Yes

Yes can be a wonderful word—when you say it and truly mean it.  But for many people with low self-esteem, they say “yes” to opportunities and events that aren’t a good fit for their skills or interests.

Some of this stems from a desire to get other people to like you.  You might think if others like you, their approval will rub off on you and you’ll feel good about yourself.  While that might work temporarily, you’re always looking for the next shot of approval and saying “yes” feels like the only way to get it.

Sign #4: You Won’t Own Your Success

People with low self-esteem struggle to believe they deserve success.  When they are praised or their work is acknowledged, they’re quick to downplay it.  For example, you might say, “Jenny handled most of the work. I just came along at the end and put a finishing touch on it.”

Another way you might do this is to call your success “luck” or tell others that you were simply in the right place at the right time.  You may also struggle to accept compliments, dismiss kind words as someone being nice, or tell yourself that others are just trying to make you feel better.

 

Like a funhouse mirror distorts your image, so does low self-esteem. The good news is that even if you identified with some of the signs above, low self-esteem can be worked through and overcome with time. I should know. I did it!