Just back from a much needed vacation at the beach. It was perfect. Off-season so no people to share my beach with! And our condo was just yards away from the ocean.
Hubby and I spent a lot of time walking the beach and talking. And on one of those walks during one of those conversations, we started talking about my dad. My dad suffered from Alzheimer's in the last years of his life and so lived with us for 8 years. I will always be eternally grateful that he was able to spend his days at home with his kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids instead of in a home. I am thankful that Dearl and I were by his side at the end. Not everyone has that.
My dad taught me a lot about life and business. Of course, I didn't realize it at the time. I guess we don't always appreciate our parents until we are older and wiser. But it wasn't easy to appreciate him.
You see, he had "issues." Or at least that's what I called them back then. He was what was termed back then as "slow". So growing up in a town where most of the dads I knew were business owners or doctors or teachers made it difficult for me to admit that my dad was a janitor. How embarrassing!
He also couldn't drive. His vision was so poor he couldn't pass the eye exam for his license. So he walked back and forth to work every day no matter the weather or time of day. Again....embarrassing. Seeing your dad walking in the rain or snow when everyone else's dads drove nice cars. And it was made even worse by the fact that he always wore some ratty old coat.
Often at night he would stop at the local tavern on the way home for a beer or two. (Not much entertainment in the town I grew up in so the local taverns were the hangout places!). Bullying is not a new phenomenon. And it doesn't only happen to kids. Often he was the butt of many jokes and pranks by others there. How humiliating! And what made it even worse was he didn't seem to mind. He thought these people were his friends!
Yes, I grew up totally embarrassed and ashamed to be his daughter. Because I only bothered to see him through the eyes of those around us.
Fortunately I had the opportunity to see him with clearer vision later...and that's when I realized all that he had taught me.
My dad worked every day. It didn't matter if it was snowing, raining, 100 degrees in the shade, 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon. He walked to work EVERY DAY. Because he had to provide for his family as best he could no matter what. Which is also why he wore that ratty old coat. He made sure my sisters and I had good coats. And then what was left went to my mom. He taught me that family comes first and that nothing is more important than taking care of the ones you love. Which is why he came to live with us and how I first started my quest to work from home. Without that lesson I might have just put him in a home when my mom died and never embarked on my current path.
My dad wrote poetry. Beautiful poetry. He wrote poems commemorating every important event of his time. One of my prize possessions is a collection of letters written to him by the people he sent these poems to. Presidents. Kings. Astronauts. Political figures. Showbiz people (as he called them). He taught me that everyone has a gift to give. Which has helped me grow an amazing team of people I might otherwise have dismissed.
Although he wrote many poems, he was never recognized locally for his work which always bothered him a little. But he kept writing and one day it happened. He was so proud when he asked me to come home for a visit and to wear my uniform because they were dedicating a monument to veteran's in our local park and on the monument was a poem he had written. At last, he was being acknowledged in his own town. He taught me to keep reaching for your dreams no matter what and to never ever give up. A valuable lesson to remember during all those times when nothing was working and I was not sure where my next dollar would come from and I just wanted to quit.
I already mentioned how he never got angry with the guys who would tease him or play jokes on him at the tavern. He always said they were just fooling around and didn't mean any harm. He taught me to always look for the best in people. Which has helped me build wonderful friendships with people I might have otherwise avoided.
My dad taught me that there were always those less fortunate than we were and to give what we could freely and without expectation of reward or acknowledgement. If you don't know why that is an important lesson, Google Ray Higdon and Wealth Wednesday. Sorry Ray, but my dad beat you to it!
My sister and I look quite a bit alike despite the 10 year difference in our ages. And sometimes, the Alzheimer's would cause him to confuse us. This was always entertaining because for some reason he could always remember my husband, Dearl but didn't always recognize her husband, Mark. So there were many times when he was visiting her that he would do everything from shutting the door in Mark's face to trying to take his seat in the car or at the table. Because you see, Mark didn't belong there. When he had me mixed up with my sister, then he expected to see Dearl and when he didn't he knew that something wasn't right. And like a good dad, he was going to protect "me" from this strange man who was trying to get in our house or our car. This is more a lesson for my kids than for me. No matter how old you are, you will always be my kids and I will always try to protect you. So deal with it! But he also taught me to laugh at my own foibles. Because he would eventually remember Mark and then we would all have a good laugh at the lengths he would go to keep Mark away. And my dad laughed hardest of all. Today, I think my ability to laugh at myself is one of my greatest gifts.
It wasn't all laughs though. Alzheimer's is an ugly disease that robs a person of everything that makes them who they are. And on some level, no matter how far the disease has progressed, I think they know it. And it scares them. I remember one time in particular when I had to go out of town and there was no one to stay with him. I had to place him in care for a weekend. (I lied and told the facility we were checking them out to see if he liked it there). His parting words to me were, "You won't forget me, will you?" He taught me that sometimes we are all afraid and it's okay. And I know that sometimes it pained him to have to ask for help with things like remembering if he took his pills, or preparing something to eat or helping him find his glasses. But he knew he needed the help and so he asked. He taught me that we don't have to do this alone and that it's okay to ask for help.
My dad taught me to dance a polka and a czardas, to make halupki and pierogi, and to speak Slovak (a little). He gave me my love of music and dance and theater and food and languages. All good things for a girl who would spend 20 years in the Navy as a Russian linguist. But even more important was the reminder of where we came from and the realization that I come from a long line of strong, determined men and women and some of their blood flows in my veins.
And he taught me my faith. Which has sometimes been the only thing that kept me going when life was dark.
My dad lived with me for the last 8 years of his life. He gave me the gift of building the relationship with him I didn't have growing up. He gave me the opportunity to see him with his grandchildren who always adored him. And to watch him pass on his gifts to his great-grandkids. He died loved and respected by everyone who met him here, with his family by his side.
So this is for you dad. As I said to Dearl that day on the beach, I might not be where I am right now if weren't for the lessons you taught me. I know this is long overdue. But you also taught me something else. It is never too late to say "Thank you." I love you.
