What Does Healthy Self-Esteem Look Like?

Dealing with low self-esteem can feel challenging. But there are many people who have learned to change how they view themselves. It does take work and time but you can develop healthy self-esteem. Here are three women - one of them, me! - who did just that…

I Had to Learn to Say “No”

In school, I was smart.  Not popular, but smart.  In fact I was ostracized and bullied much of my school life.  Which meant no one really wanted to be my friend - until it came time to partner up for projects.  Science projects.  History projects.  Didn't matter.  When it was time for the next one, EVERYONE wanted to be my partner.  Why?  Because they were assured of a good grade.  And they knew they wouldn't have to do any work.

  

I would regularly take on the whole project by myself, which often meant I took on more work than I could handle alone. And this habit continued into college and even into the beginnings of my military career.  No one worried when it was our section's turn to clean the watch center.  They all knew I would do most of it and not say anything.

 

Finally I realized that I was chronically tired.  I reached out to the base chaplain, hoping to vent a little.  Fortunately, the chaplain was also a trained counselor.  And what he helped me discover shocked me. 

I realized I was saying ‘yes’ to everyone in the hopes that they would like me because I was battling low self-esteem.  As I began to learn to like myself, I discovered that in the military I was respected for my competency.  It helped me develop a positive self image.  And I learned that outside my small town where my family was looked down on (wrong side of the tracks and all), no one knew or cared that I had grown up poor.  They only cared that I could be counted on when needed.  And that I could do my job and do it well.  That's when I realized I could say ‘no’ to others without guilt or fear.  Because I liked who I saw in the mirror.  And there were people who liked and respected me for who I was, not for what I could do for them.

Tishia Lee Accepted Herself

Tishia, from Shining Self, has struggled with her self-esteem since she was little. She says, “I grew up with so much negative feedback about who I was. I was told I was too fat, that I’d never amount to anything, that I could be pretty if I’d only lose weight.”

She spent years believing these lies and battling a negative self-image. But things started to change for her recently.

“When I moved to the West Coast, I found an amazing community of body positivity people and health-at-every-size advocates. All of a sudden I was given permission to be me. I realized I didn't have to lose weight, diet, or do things others (including the media) had fed into my beliefs.”

As soon as she gave up dieting and accepted her body, Tishia found a confidence and self-esteem within her that she didn’t know existed. She says, “To me, healthy self-esteem means being confident and comfortable in my own skin, knowing my value and worth. Now I’m confident in my abilities and I’m OK with all of it regardless of whether other people like or approve of me.”

Sandra Went From Resisting Change to Embracing It

My friend Sandra was a watch officer who feared failing at anything.  As a result, she was rigid and wasn’t open to new ways of doing things.  She resisted even the smallest of changes.

It wasn’t until our lieutenant challenged her to try one thing a week that Sandra realized how much control fear had over her. With the help of that same chaplain that helped me, Sandra traced the cause back to her alcoholic parents.  She fought to say in control as a kid because it meant safety.

 

We went our separate ways shortly after and eventually lost touch with each other.  But through the wonders of the Internet, we recently reconnected!  I learned that Sandra retired shortly after I did.  Now she travels all over the world, housesitting and pet sitting for people when they travel.  "I’m an adult now," she told me, "and I’m not the same little girl. When I saw that, I was set free. I view myself differently now. I’m excited by new opportunities and new changes. I can’t wait to see what each new day brings!”

 

Changing your view of yourself isn’t an overnight process.  There will be hard days and setbacks but keep moving forward.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes and embrace the beautiful now.

Why Do You Struggle with Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem can occur at any time or age even if you’ve had a relatively good life. However, there are some circumstances that make you more likely to develop low self-esteem.  Here are a few of the most common causes…

Comparison

Some people develop low self-esteem because they’re constantly comparing themselves to others.  Maybe you look at the woman who has your dream business and think you’ll never be like her.  Perhaps you envy a friend who seems to have a wonderful marriage and beautiful children.

You may even compare yourself to people you don’t know.  For example, envying a supermodel in a magazine. Even though you know she’s been airbrushed to perfection, you might still feel inferior.

Dysfunctional Home

Sometimes, low self-esteem begins in childhood due to difficulties in your home life. Perhaps a parent was chronically ill and unable to provide for you and your siblings.  Maybe you witnessed domestic violence between your parents.

When children don’t get their needs met in childhood, they turn inwards.  Many blame themselves even if they don’t realize it.  For example, if your parents divorced after you accidentally slipped up about dad’s affair, then you might think you were the reason your parents separated.

Trauma & Abuse

Another common reason for low self-esteem is becoming a victim of trauma.  You may have survived physical, emotional, or sexual violence. Often, becoming a victim of a violent crime leads a person to believe they are worthless, deserving of punishment, or unlovable.  These false beliefs create low self-esteem that can follow you for decades.

Like trauma victims, abuse survivors may struggle with low self-esteem.  Abuse can be more difficult to heal from since the wounds were often on-going over the course of months or even years.  Additionally, abusers often tell their victims that the abuse is their fault, that they deserve to be hurt, or that they need to be punished.

Religious Beliefs

Depending on your religious beliefs, you may have been told that you are “bad” or that you are “going to hell” if you do certain activities.  Many religions draw a line in the sand and if you cross that line, you are then cut off from other members of your family or community.

This type of belief system can lead you to believe that your behavior determines your identity.  That’s fine if your behavior falls into what’s expected and acceptable within your religion.  But if it doesn’t—if you violate these beliefs—you may see yourself as damaged, tainted, or unredeemable.

 
Now that you know the different causes of low self-esteem, you may recognize yourself in some of these examples. But the good news is that understanding where your low self-esteem is coming from is an important first step in healing it.

Defining Low Self-Esteem

So why am I preparing to do an entire series of posts on self-esteem?  Isn't this a business blog?  Yes, it is.  Which is EXACTLY why I'm doing this series!

Low self-esteem can cause you to self-sabotage your business, even if you aren't consciously aware that you are doing it.

But what is low self-esteem?  I mean don't we all beat ourselves up once in a while?  Well, self-esteem is the way you view yourself.  People with a healthy self-esteem can see both their flaws and their good qualities.  They know they are not perfect but they’re also aware of all the good things they bring into the world simply by being themselves.

But low self-esteem is different.  People with low self-esteem see a flawed version of themselves.  Instead of seeing anything positive, you only focus on the negative and feel badly about who you are.  If you’re not sure if you struggle with low self-esteem, here are a few common signs of it…

Sign #1: You Feel Shame

Shame is the belief that deep down, you’re bad, unlovable, or worthless.  It often convinces you to hide.  The way you “hide” may be different depending on your personality. Sometimes, it involves your body language by hunching your shoulders, walking with your head down, or not meeting the gaze of another person when you’re in conversation.

For some people, shame shows up in other ways—overcompensating in one area of your life, trying not to draw attention to how you look, or over-apologizing for things that clearly aren’t your fault.

Sign #2: You Fear Failure

When you struggle with low self-esteem, it’s easy to believe that what you do is who you are.  This creates tremendous pressure to do everything right.  As a result, you’re not willing to try new things or experiment for fear you’ll mess up and become a failure.

Fear of failure may show up in one area of your life but not another.  For example, you may be the best sales person in your division at work but in private, you struggle to write that book you’ve been dreaming of for fear that it won’t be amazing.

Sign #3: You Keep Saying Yes

Yes can be a wonderful word—when you say it and truly mean it.  But for many people with low self-esteem, they say “yes” to opportunities and events that aren’t a good fit for their skills or interests.

Some of this stems from a desire to get other people to like you.  You might think if others like you, their approval will rub off on you and you’ll feel good about yourself.  While that might work temporarily, you’re always looking for the next shot of approval and saying “yes” feels like the only way to get it.

Sign #4: You Won’t Own Your Success

People with low self-esteem struggle to believe they deserve success.  When they are praised or their work is acknowledged, they’re quick to downplay it.  For example, you might say, “Jenny handled most of the work. I just came along at the end and put a finishing touch on it.”

Another way you might do this is to call your success “luck” or tell others that you were simply in the right place at the right time.  You may also struggle to accept compliments, dismiss kind words as someone being nice, or tell yourself that others are just trying to make you feel better.

 

Like a funhouse mirror distorts your image, so does low self-esteem. The good news is that even if you identified with some of the signs above, low self-esteem can be worked through and overcome with time. I should know. I did it!