Forging a New Path (When You Can't See the Old One)

I was living my dream.  We are family that serves so I had followed the path and was currently on active duty with the Navy.  We were stationed in Hawaii - paradise!  I was married to a fellow member of the military.  Granted he was a Marine, but I loved him anyway!  We had two great kids.  We spent our off duty time going to the beach and basically just enjoying the island lifestyle.

But three years into our tour in Hawaii, I discovered some secrets about my marriage.  It wasn't quite as perfect as I had thought.  I am not going to go into details here.  But I was devastated.

In the coming months, I lost everything I had loved.  My husband through the divorce.  My stepdaughter who left with her father.  We sent our kids to private schools and excellent daycare because of our dual incomes.  Now I was struggling to afford just basic necessities.  (In divorce, the 2nd income leaves.  The bills often don't).  My own daughter became seriously ill and I was overwhelmed with trying to care for her and still work.  I didn't get a promotion I should have because I was so tired and stressed that I just couldn't get it together to study for the advancement exam.  I was basically looking at life from a whole new perspective...starting over.

Maybe you’ve found yourself in my shoes. You’ve lost everything and you have no choice but to rebuild your entire life. But you’re not sure what that process should look like exactly.

Let Go

Start by letting go. Think about the things that are no longer serving you.  I had spent years devoted to my husband and family only to lose half of them.  For a long time, I could only focus on what I’d had.

A friend encouraged me to stop looking backward. You can’t move forward in your car if the gear is stuck in reverse.   Terrible things happen to everyone. You don’t get a choice in that. What you do get to decide is what gear you’ll put your life in.

Create New Traditions

Sometimes, the hardest part of starting over is letting go of habits that we loved. We were financially set and so the girls and I could afford to go shopping for new clothes once a week. Now we couldn't afford that.  We had many friends in common and went to Sunday brunch or weekend dinners.  Now many of them felt like they had to choose sides.

When you’re forced to start over, missing these traditions is painful. But don’t get caught up in sitting around wishing for how things were. Create new traditions that honor what your life looks like now. For example, you could invite your closest friends over on Sundays for game day or spend the time you use to go shopping to refashion old items in your closet.

Design Your Vision

When you’re forging a new path in live, it’s easy to get focused on what you don’t want. For example, if you’re leaving a bad marriage, you may swear off romantic relationships or a certain city.

While these blanket statements may make you feel good, they don’t help you create more of what you want in your life. This is where a vision board can be helpful. You can use one to create a positive image of the new life you’re looking to make.

The vision board you make can be physical—you can grab magazines, books, and other old media to create yours. But a vision board can also be digital and you can use a website like Dream It Alive or Vision Board to design yours.

Rebuilding your life after adversity isn’t easy. But you have the smarts (and the power!) to do it. Embrace this season of rebirth in your life!